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Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"

- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

- he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

- he paints the starship John Deere green

- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

- he sets phaser to "Cajun"

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© 2000-2006 Peter R. Sadlon
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